i’ve never been so awake in all my life — even after approximately zero hours of sleep! i thought perhaps my sickness with mono was recurring, but considering how early i wake, and how late i sleep; and my general lack of fatigue, i doubt it. i disagree with the common maternal instinct to seek medical attention for any illness or affliction that comes along; especially select specialists — including those of religious ministry.
it’s interesting how teenagers in general (not that i am one anymore) feel as if they have some deep introspective grasp on reality — including the ability to understand their parents (for example), yet the parents have little to no clue whatsoever into the lives of their children. i guess as we get older, the everyday struggles and burdens dampen the pristine condition and the wide eyed wonderment we’re born with; and it’s not until our teenage years that those problems of life first begin appearing — coincidentally the same point in life we begin to realise, understand, and deal with the world around us – a kind of utopian middle-ground where the innocence of childhood and the tarnish of reality collide, save for a small percentage of us who carry childhood and adolescence right into adulthood.
personally, i wouldn’t want my life any other way; even in complete silence and total solitaire, existence is never futile; never lacking the reason to continue. the meaning of life is just that: to survive no matter what. i refuse to let the rest of the world vandalise my spirits, the same graffiti that causes adults to lose that innocence and connectivity to their surroundings. perhaps this is why 95% of the world’s population believes in some religious being; it is some type of crutch to rest their trampled lives upon? but it does make me wonder — if the rest of society genuinely knows or sees something in religion that i can’t, or maybe i am right to say they all suffer from some mass-delusion to which i am immune?
i don’t know, but everyday is an ongoing battle to determine which truths are true — if any are at all! i have attributed this indecision to the fact that i am very analytical; that i look for empirical evidence and logical proof to rationalise everything; very rarely relying upon faith or intuition to justify my thoughts. yet the lack of explanations for so many questions and the helplessness we sometimes feel when we have no control over certain things in our lives really does make one want to point to some “magical” underlying force somewhere.