so the other day i was ranting about the state of fradulent information posted by minors. well here’s another nitpick on the photos people post.
first is the ‘bedhead’ photo. you know the ones… where it looks like the person was caught unexpectedly while enroute to the bathroom in the morning; all pale-faced and sick-looking. it’s fine that photos like this occur, but please folks, there is nothing flattering about them, so why post them to the world as the (sometimes only) image to be THE image most representing of yourself?
second is the ‘foreign/strange child’ photo. in these, we often see the person share the spotlight with a child, usually one that isn’t their progeny, but rather a godchild, niece/nephew, friend’s kid, etc. i find two issues with this. first, kids are supposed to be cute…that’s how nature makes them, so we don’t pitch their whiny asses out the door when they get annoying. by posing with a child, unless the kid is really ugly or you’re far above average in the looks department, you’re going to look worse by comparison. second, because the focus is split, people often feel the need to disclaim the child isn’t theirs, perhaps to eliminate the thought we all probably have anyway upon seeing someone with a young child: that you might be a whore or some other equally negative connotation. this disclaimer usually manifests itself in one of two ways: a byline which appears in text near the photo (“not my kid!”), or a disturbingly messy scribble over the photo from MS Paint’s airbrush tool, usually in pink or black, and always with such sloppy craftsmanship that with even rudimentary skills of handwriting anaylsis, your opinion is overshadowed by the discontent that the person may be mentally incapacitated to some extent. i mean, if you’re going to ‘retouch’ a photo, let’s put a little more effort into it so it doesn’t look like the work of Big Bird on an LSD binge while being autoerotically asphyxiated by snuffleuppagus’ fuzzy proboscis.
the third is the ‘chronic clanker’. this is probably the most common type of photo, where we find the subject engaged in boozery, and usually photographed mid-stupor with the evidence in-hand, performing an invisible ‘cheers’ with the camera (call me retentive, but an inebriate with a container of liquid is the last thing i’d want near my pricey electronics, including my digital camera). this to me is the least appealing of all bad portraiture, be it because i’m a non-drinker or be it because if a wobbly drunkard is really the single statement you’d like to convey to the world about yourself via an image, you may be a redneck. it’s one thing to reveal you’re a fun person, but it’s quite another to reveal that if you aren’t already an alcoholic, you someday will be. if you believe freud’s take on symbolism, having a dream about skyscrapers may suggest you have a fixation with penises. so what about the symbolism of being shown with one prop–a pint of beer or a large bottle of hard liquor? how about inadequacy, regret, fear of your true identity, or any number of other red flags that you might have issues. better grab your copy of MS Paint and airbrush that bastard out of your hand; perhaps replacing with a neon pink dildo instead? because there couldn’t possibly be anything alarming about that.
and the last one i’ll touch on for now is the ‘topless trashhound’. i don’t care how in-shape you are, but if your primary face to the world includes a webcam, phonecam, or bathroom mirror shot of yourself without a shirt, maybe you should be focusing more on tonight’s weather forecast to ensure a tornado isn’t going to come and sweep your trailer home off to oz. nothing says ‘classless’ quicker than a guy arched in his chair like a reclining renaissance nude with his hat backwards, boxers showing, all in a room that itself looks akin to any episode of “cops” and a photo with that strange ‘yellow’ hue to it; all to show a set of abs or pecs that is of little interest to most people; even those who are attracted to your gender. if you want the world to see you topless, get in touch with ‘men’s heath & fitness’ or hustler… at least then you’d get paid for it, or given the same advice: put your fucking clothes back on, jethro.
god help anyone who enounters the rogue hybrids of any of the above, such as the ‘clanking trashhound’…a shirtless, white-trash drunkard, likely with a bottle of budweiser or brown jug labelled “XXX” in a room decorated as a result of winning some remodelling contest from NASCAR.
anyway, next time you’re given the opportunity to upload a photo of yourself to a site like this; keep in mind that what you tell people about yourself may be the volumes unspoken within the little details of whichever face you choose.
listening to:
Battlestar Galactica: Season One
Bear McCreary