i…hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
that old, familiar sting
the only thing that’s real.
…an excerpt of the lyrics from “hurt”, originally by nine inch nails; but most recently recorded by johnny cash, in a spooky, but very effective acoustic version. how befitting of today, valentine’s; what i’ve labelled ‘the big nothing day’. aside from one occasion, this holiday has served as nothing more than a reminder of how meaningful other people can be in one’s life, even if it sometimes seems they’re insignificant. and this year it is doubly-so, that the evening at this point is destined to be quiet and solitary on a holiday of love and also a friday. apparently even my single friends are preoccupied with something other than sharing their attention with me; as if i’m somehow beneath or unworthy of it.
these preoccupations came as no help this morning while driving to work; and aside from being melodramatic about the details, by the time i arrived at the office, i was shaken, stirred and ready to sob myself dry. it wasn’t a pleasant trip whatsoever. at least the company i share at the office is such that i was replaced into my normal contented disposition. i think at any other job i would still be sour even by 3 in the afternoon. i guess that’s something to be thankful for, but hey, this isn’t thanksgiving.
i have a feeling i’ll be given plenty of free time tonight to continue these thoughts, so i’ll go ahead and tighten the spigot for now. enjoy the day if you can, if not, know that the boat you sail in isn’t alone in the ocean.